Friday, February 12, 2010

Clean Funny Jokes - Green Bay Packer Fan

A Packer fan was enjoying himself at the game in a packed Lambeau Field, until he noticed an empty seat down in front. He went down and asked the guy next to it if he knew whose seat it was.
The guy said, “Yes, that’s my wife’s seat. We have never missed a game since the […]

Clean Funny Jokes - Golf Balls and G-Spots

What’s the difference between a girl’s G-spot and a golf ball?
A man will spend hours looking for the golf ball!

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Clean Funny Jokes - Fishing For A Week

A man phones home from the office and tells his wife, “Something has just come up. I have the chance to go fishing for a week. It’s the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away, so can you pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas? I’ll be home in […]

Monday, February 8, 2010

Clean Funny Jokes - A gun for my hubby

A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle.
“It`s for my husband,” she tells the clerk.
“Did he tell you what gauge to get?” asked the clerk.
“Are you kidding?” she says. “He doesn`t even know that I`m going to shoot him!”

Clean Funny Jokes - Bengals

Do you know why the Cincinnati Bengals were the last NFL team to get a website?
Because they couldnt put three W’s in a row.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Clean Funny Jokes - Watch this

stand by when you hear the five most dangerous things in the marine corps:
1.a private saying, “i learned this in basic training…”
2.a sergeant saying, “trust me, sir…”
3.a second lieutenant saying, “based on my experience…”
4.a captain saying, “i was just thinking…”
5.a sergeant major chuckling, “watch this s***…”

Clean Funny Jokes - Ask yourself

While taking a psych. course in college, the teacher had a habit of putting
the following questions on an exam:
“Ask yourself a question and answer it”
Being a math major, I asked myself “Solve the following differential equation
[* equation deleted *] under the following conditions [* conditions deleted *]”
and proceeded to solve it.
The next day I stopped […]

Friday, February 5, 2010

NEW VIRUS WARNING

If you receive a message with a subject line of “Bad times,” delete it
immediately WITHOUT reading it. This is the most dangerous virus yet.
·It will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, but it will scramble any
disks that are even close to your computer (20′ range at 72 degrees Fahrenheit).
·It will recalibrate your refrigerator’s coolness […]

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Clean Funny Jokes - And that’s the latest version of the Interne

Customer: “So that’ll get me connected to the Internet, right?”
Tech Support: “Yeah.”
Customer: “And that’s the latest version of the Internet, right?”
Tech Support: “Uhh…uh…uh…yeah.”

Clean Funny Jokes - File Manager icon

Tech Support: “All right…now double-click on the File Manager icon.”
Customer: “That’s why I hate this Windows — because of the icons — I’m a
Protestant, and I don’t believe in icons.”
Tech Support: “Well, that’s just an industry term sir. I don’t believe it was
meant to – ”
Customer: “I don’t care about any ‘Industry Terms’. I don’t […]

Sunday, January 31, 2010

Clean Funny Jokes - I have a big problem

Bill and Boris are taking a break from a long summit. Boris says to Bill,
“Bill, you know, I have a big problem. I don’t know what to do about it. I have
a hundred bodyguards and one of them is a traitor. I don’t know which one.”
“Not a big deal Boris, I’m stuck with a hundred […]

Clean Funny Jokes - Talking on the plane

Two government economists were returning home from a field meeting. As with
all government travelers, they were assigned the cheapest seats on the plane so
they each were occupying the center seat on opposite sides of the aisle.
They continued their discussion of the knotty problem that had been the
subject of their meeting through takeoff and meal service […]

Saturday, January 30, 2010

Clean Funny Jokes - IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the
individual behind the counter for ‘minimal lettuce.’ He said he was sorry, but
they only had iceberg.

Clean Funny Jokes - AN IDIOT’S IDIOT

Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal
colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The
message ‘He’s lying’ was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy
button each time they thought the suspect wasn’t telling the truth. Believing
the ‘lie detector’ was working, the suspect confessed.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Top Things You Don’t Want to Overhear Over an Airl

1. Ocean crossing flight: This is your Captain speaking, I just wanted to take
this time to remind you that your seat cushions can be used as floatation
devices.
2. Hey folks, we’re going to play a little game of geography trivia.
If you can recognize where we are, tell your flight attendant and receive an
extra pack of peanuts.
3. […]

Clean Funny Jokes - The loss of engines

Two blondes were flying to Miami from Cleveland. Fifteen minutes into the
flight, the captain announced “One of the engines has failed and the flight will
be an hour longer. But don’t worry we have three engines left”.
Thirty minutes later, the captain announced “One more engine has failed and
the flight will be two hours longer. But don’t […]

Monday, January 25, 2010

Clean Funny Jokes - Gates & Light bulb

Q: How many Bill Gateses does it take to change the light bulb?
A: None. He just calls a meeting & makes darkness the standard.

Clean Funny Jokes - Help stories from Tech Support

Compaq is considering changing the command “Press Any Key” because of the
flood of calls asking where the “Any” key is. AST technical support had a called
complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover
turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
Another Compaq technician received a […]

Friday, January 22, 2010

Clean Funny Jokes - Intelligent Life

It was a celebratory mood with the boys at NASA; they had just made the
scientific achievement of a lifetime.
As they were uncorking a bottle of champagne, Dr. Lowenstein, the head
scientist at NASA, asked everyone to be quiet as he had received a
congratulatory phone call from the President of the United States.
He picked up a special […]

Clean Funny Jokes - Engineering Hell

An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. St. Peter checks his dossier
and says: “Ah, you’re an engineer, but you worked for a high-tech startup
company and got rich. You’ve had too good of a life, so now you can’t come in
here.”
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty […]

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Clean Funny Jokes - Chief is at a wedding

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. “But officer,” the man began, “I can explain.”
“Just be quiet,” snapped the officer. “I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.”
“But, officer, I just wanted to say,”
“And I said to keep quiet! […]

Clean Funny Jokes - Now he’s in trouble

A police officer had just pulled a car over. When he walked up to the car a man rolled down the window and said, “what’s the problem officer?” To which the policeman responded, “I stopped you for running that red light behind you.” Just then the man’s wife leaned forward from the driver’s seat and […]

Clinton is vacationing

Last summer, the President and Mrs. Clinton were vacationing in their home state of Arkansas. On a venture one day, they stopped at a service station to fill up the car with gas. It seemed that the owner of the station was once Hillary’s high school love.
They exchanged hellos, and went on their way.
As they […]

Clean Funny Jokes - Travel with a horse

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.
He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, “Pull, Nellie, pull!” Buddy didn’t move.
Then the farmer hollered, “Pull, Buster, pull!” Buddy didn’t respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, “Pull, Coco, […]

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Clean Funny Jokes - What do vampires sing on New Year’s Eve?

What do vampires sing on New Year’’s Eve?
Auld Fang Syne!
HA HA HA HA HA HA!

Clean Funny Jokes - How many surrealists does it take…

How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
“Fish”

21 Ways to Say “Your fly is open”

21) I know that men are from Mars, but I see something that rhymes with Venus.
20) The cucumber has left the salad.
19) I can see the gun of Nazarene.
18) Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
17) You’ve got Windows in your laptop.
16) Sailor Ned’s trying to take a little shore […]

How to piss a cop off

1) When you get pulled over, say “What’s wrong, officer, there’s no blood in
my alcohol?”
2) When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you wanted to race.
3) When he talks to you, pretend you are deaf.
4) If he asks if you knew how fast you were going, say no, my speedometer
doesn’t go that high.
5) […]

Clean Funny Jokes - Drums, Drummers, Drumming

A man goes on vacation to a tropical island. As soon as he gets off the plane,
he hears drums. He thinks, “Wow, this is cool.”
He goes to the beach, he hears the drums, he eats lunch, he hears drums, he
goes to a luau, and he hears drums. He TRIES to go to sleep, he hears […]

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Clean Funny Jokes - CAT AND MOUSE PLANS

There were three city mice sitting at a bar. The first mouse
takes a shot of tequilla, slams the glass on the table and says,
“I’m the toughest mouse in this city. I’m so tough that I walk
throughout the house collecting mouse poison, return to my nest
and grind up the pellets with my morning coffee […]

Clean Funny Jokes - COW TALK

A city man was tooling down a country road when his car sputtered
to a complete stop near a field filled with cows. The driver,
getting out to see what was the matter, noticed one of the cows
looking at him. “I believe it’s your […]

DESERT CAMEL

Back in the days of the glorious British Empire, a young officer
arrived at his first posting, the command of a tiny fort in the
middle of the desert, twenty miles from the nearest town.
His new second-in-command is showing him around the base, when
just outside the fort’s walls they come across a […]

FAITHFUL AS THE CAT

Q. What does the agnostic dyslexic insomniac do at night?
A. Lies awake wondering whether there really is a dog.
Faithful Cat
Once upon a time, a woman had a faithful cat. And one day,
a guy ran over the cat with his horse drawn carriage. So,
the man went to the old woman […]

Monday, January 18, 2010

Clean Funny Jokes - Roadkill Logic

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To show the possum how. (How many dead chickens have you seen along the road?)

Clean Funny Jokes - Chicken In The Road

Why did the chicken stop in the middle of the road?
It wanted to lay it on the line.

Clean Funny Jokes - Cow At Cranberry Cove

What do you call a cow murder mystery?
A moo-done-it.

Clean Funny Jokes - Centipede And Parrot

Q: What do you get when you cross a centipide with a parrot?
A: A walkie-talkie.

Clean Funny Jokes - Yo Mama’s So Old

Yo’ mama so old, she took her driver’s test on a T-Rex!

Clean Funny Jokes - Rabid Dogs Are Useful

One fall day Bill was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file.
Intrigued, Bill went up to the man following the […]

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Clean Funny Jokes - Little boy

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can’t be found. So he drives the farmer’s […]

Clean Funny Jokes - Quack

Three ducks were in court. The first duck was called up for questioning. The judge said “NAME” and the duck replyed “Quack”. Then the judge said “What were you doing?” and the duck replyed “I was blowing bubbles”. The judge then said “I cant see any problem with that. OK NEXT”. So the next duck […]

Clean Funny Jokes - Rooster and Peanut Butter

What do you get when you cross a rooster and peanut butter?
A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth!

Clean Funny Jokes - Storks

Two storks are sitting in their nest: a father stork and baby stork. The baby stork is crying and crying and father stork is trying to calm him. “Don’t worry, son. Your mother will come back. She’s only bringing people babies and making them happy.”
The next night, it’s father’s turn to do the job. Mother […]

Clean Funny Jokes - The Hunter and the Bear

Once there was this hunter, out in the forest, hunting bears.
As the hunter approached a clearing in the forest, he saw a bear. One of the biggest bears he’d ever seen. So he crouches down behind a largish rock, takes careful aim with his shotgun, and fires. After the smoke clears, he runs down […]

Clean Funny Jokes - The Pig

Farmer Jones got out of his car and while heading for his friend’s door, noticed a pig with a wooden leg. His curiosity roused, he ask, “Fred, how’d that pig get him a wooden leg?”
“Well Michael, that’s a mighty special pig! A while back a wild boar attacked me while I was walking in the […]

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Clean Funny Jokes - Really good stuff-Brilliant ways! How Girls turn Guys down

HE: I’m a photographer I’ve been looking for a face like yours!
SHE: I’m a plastic surgeon. I’ve been looking for a face like yours

HE: May I have the pleasure of this dance?
SHE: No, I’d like to have some pleasure too !

HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must have been given your share !

HE: Will you come out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry! I’m having a headache this weekend !

HE: Go on, don’t be shy. Ask me out!
SHE: Okay, get out!

HE: I think I could make you very happy
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?

HE: What would you say if I asked u to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can’t talk and laugh at the same time!

HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why, don’t you already have one?

HE: Shall we go and see a film?
SHE: I’ve already seen it!

HE: Do you think it was fate that brought us together?
SHE: Nah, it was plain bad luck !

HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Hiding from you.

HE: Haven’t I seen you someplace before?
SHE: Yes, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.

HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down .

HE: So, what do you do for a living?
SHE: I’m a female impersonator.

HE: Hey baby, what’s your sign?
SHE: Do not enter.

Clean Funny Jokes - Inebirated man

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, “I’ve got to take you in, pal. You’re obviously drunk.”

Our wasted friend asked, “Officer, are ya absolutely sure I’m drunk?”

“Yeah, buddy, I’m sure,” said the copper. “Let’s go.”

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, “Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled.”

Friday, January 15, 2010

Clean Funny Jokes - Three parrots

A man wanted to buy his son a parrot as a birthday present. The next day he went to the pet shop and saw three identical parrots in a cage.

He asked the clerk, “how much for the parrot on the right?

The owner said it was Rs. 2500.

“Rs. 2500.”, the man said. “Well what does he do?

“He knows how to use all of the functions of Microsoft Office 2000, responds the clerk. “He can do all of your spreadsheets and type all of your letters.”

The man then asked what the second parrot cost.

The clerk replied, Rs. 5000, but he not only knows Office 2000, but is an expert computer programmer.

Finally, the man inquired about the cost of the last parrot.

The clerk replied, “Rs. 10,000.”

Curious as to how a bird can cost Rs. 10,000, the man asked what this bird’s specialty was.

The clerk replies, “Well to be honest I haven’t seen him do anything. But the other two call him”BOSS”!!

Clean Funny Jokes - Bubba chips

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak.

But, all of Bubba’s neighbors were Catholic.. And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass…and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, ”You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic.”

Bubba’s neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.

The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Bubba’s yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: “You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish”!

Clean Funny Jokes - New Car operating system

Bill’s company made software to run a car.

Bill was taking a test ride of the car. Suddenly a truck came from opposite side.

Bill pressed ctrl+b to apply brakes.

A pop-up window appeared asking, “Are you sure you really want to stop?”

Before Bill could enter “Yes”, there was a crash and the car caught fire.

In panic Bill forgot the password to open the door.

He started shouting “F1! F1!” but there was no computer professional present there to understand his screams.

Then he tried to come out through the car window-pane.

A message appeared on the screen, “An illegal function is performed.

All the window-panes of the car will be closed.” Poor Bill died.

Messengers of death took away his soul and said to him, “You have never ever performed any good deeds in your life. You always stole the code from others. We are going to send you to hell.”

Bill pleaded, “I am ready to go to hell but do provide me a computer, please.”

Messengers of death smiled inwardly and permitted him a computer, but with no Alt, Ctrl and Delete keys on the keyboard.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Clean Funny Jokes - Two nickels

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his
customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove
it to you.”
The barber puts a quarter in one hand and two nickels in the other,
then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?”
The boy takes the two nickels and leaves.
“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.
“Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take two nickels
instead of the quarter?”
The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because THE DAY I TAKE THE
QUARTER, THE GAME IS OVER”

Clean Funny Jokes - Do you know the time

Some Americans were traveling through Mexico when one of them saw a man on the ground having a siesta. “Excuse me, sir,”the American said. “Do you know the time?”
The Mexican looked at the American. The he reached over and held the donkey’s balls and appeared to weigh them in his hand.
“Ten after two,” he said, at last.
“My word!” said the American. He caught up to his tour group and insisted some of the others return with him. “You’ve never seen anything like this!” he promised.
The group went back with him. Again he asked for the time. Again the guy reached for the donkey’s balls. Again, he seemed to be weighing them as he moved them to and fro. Finally, he announced, “Twenty-one minutes past two.”
The others were amazed. They went on their way, but the original discoverer of the miracle time-teller remained. He leaned over, “Listen,” he confided, “I’ll give you twenty dollars if you show me how you do that.”
The Mexican thought for a moment and then nodded. Pocketing the twenty-dollar bill, he beckoned for the American to kneel down where he was. Then he took the donkey’s balls and gently moved them to the side out of the way, and said, “Do you see that clock over there?”

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Clean Funny Jokes - Use Your Own Cell Phone

A man called the police from a cell phone he had stolen from a woman in a pool hall 90 minutes earlier. He said he had been jumped. But, in fact, he was just intoxicated and wanted a ride home. The woman identified him as the robber.

Clean Funny Jokes - Four Suits

How can you get four suits for a dollar?

Buy a deck of cards!

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Clean Funny Jokes - It's What?

A group of teenagers in Arkansas tried to pawn a 62+ pound hunk of metal. The shop owner was suspicious and convinced them that it was only lead. He offered them $30 for it. Since they needed money for gas, they took it.

The police were called and six young people were arrested for allegedly stealing the metal plus various gold and silver coins. It seems the hunk of metal was actually a silver ingot worth $15,000.

Clean Funny Jokes - Just a Little Cat Nap

Police in Arizona responded to a burglar alarm at a gun and police accessories store in Prescott. They found a man inside, fast asleep. He'd apparently entered through a window and claimed that he was driving and got sleepy. He was just looking for a place to take a nap.

He was found with a flashlight, gloves and a bag which contained expensive electronics from the store. He also smelled of alcohol.

The police had a hard time believing his story, especially since there were several warrants out on him. He was arrested.

Monday, January 11, 2010

Clean Jokes

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

Funny Jokes

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines.

They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.

The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is".

The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.

The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.

The engineer responded briefly: One chalk mark $1 Knowing where to put it $49,999 It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.

Clean Funny Jokes

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude! "The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." [dramatic pause]

"Hi, George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment.

The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Clean Funny Jokes - The Right Side

A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport.

"These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one complained.

"These fairways seem to be getting longer too," said one of the others.

"The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too," said the third senior.

After hearing enough from his Senior buddies, the oldest, and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said, "Just be thankful we're still on the right side of the grass!"

Clean Funny Jokes - Golf Pun

The golfing world is celebrating a new invention that promises to revolutionize the sport.

The new device that is receiving so much attention is called the 'bee nut.' It is a fastening attachment that allows players to adjust the heads on their clubs to any angle, saving the need to carry a bagful of clubs.

Thus, for example, a player can use the same club to putt or get out of the sand trap. Genius!

Golf clubs with this modification are selling quickly, and players are taking golfing picnics, so they can try their new . . .

. . . 'bee-nut putter sand wedge.'

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Clean Funny Jokes - The Consultant

A shepherd was tending his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a dust cloud approached at high speed, out of which emerged a shiny silver BMW. The driver, a young man in an Armani suit, Ferragamo shoes, the latest Polarized sunglasses and a tightly knotted power tie, poked his head out the window and asked the shepherd, "Hey! If I can tell you how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looked at the man, then glanced at his peacefully grazing flock and answered, "Sure."

The driver parked his car, plugged his microscopic cell phone into a laptop and briskly surfed to a GPS satellite navigation system on the Internet and initiated a remote body-heat scan of the area. While the computer was occupied, he sent some e-mail via his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, nodded solemnly at the responses. Finally, he printed a 150 page report on the little laser printer in his glove compartment, turned to the shepherd, waving the sheaves of paper, and pronounced You have exactly 1,586 sheep."

"Impressive. One of my sheep is yours." said the shepherd.

He watched the young man select an animal and bundle it into his car. Then the shepherd said: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?"

Pleased to meet a fellow sportsman, the young man replied You're on.

"You are a consultant." said the shepherd without hesitation.

"That's correct," said the young man, impressed. "How ever did you guess?"

"It was not a guess," replied the shepherd. "You drive into my field uninvited. You ask me to pay you for information I already know, answer questions I have not asked, and you know nothing about my business. Now give me my back my dog."

Friday, January 8, 2010

Clean Funny Jokes The Beep

Sally was puzzled recently by the odd messages she kept getting on her voice mail. Day after day, all she'd hear, from friends, family, and customers alike, would be their message and then they'd ALL say, "BEEP."

She discovered the solution to the BEEP riddle when she dialed her own phone number and listened to her message.

Her message said, "I'm not available right now, so please leave a beep after the message."

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Clean Funny Jokes Carstianity

"Haul a Yugo. Haul a Yugo."

Gearly beloved, we are Blazered here in the name of our Four-door, who art in Half-ton.

I'm speaking of our lord and Mazda, Jeep-sus Chrysler.

He is the Alfa and the Romeo.

He was born in a Ranger, he was Tempo'd by the DeVille, and he Daihatsu'd for your Sentras.

He said, "Dodge not, that ye not be Dodged.

Thou shalt not Corvette thy neighbor's Whitewall, but turn the other Cherokee.

If ye have Fiat, ye can move Montecarlos.

He ain't Chevy, he's my Beretta."

He ate the Last Supra, and he climbed the mount of Cavalier, where they Cruise-controlled him on the Motocross.

But God, in his Infiniti Mercedes, did Rolls away the Stanza.

Let us Prelude: Sayeth the prophet Isuzu, in the Dusenburg Bible, In the 23rd Saab, "The Ford is my Chauffeur. I shall not Walk.

He Lexus me in the paths of Right-turn-signals.

Yea, though I walk through the Valet of the Shadow of Dart, I shall Fiero no Eagle.

Subaru Goo dwrench and Mercury shall Volvo me Audi Daytonas of my life, and I shall Dwellmeter house of Delorean, Four-cylinder."

Gloria, In Ex-Celica Geo!

Great Collection of Clean Funny Jokes

Two goldfish in a bowl talking:
Goldfish 1: Do you believe in God?
Goldfish 2: Of course, I do! Who do you think changes the water?

*****

A: Hey, man! Please call me a taxi.
B: Yes, sir. You are a taxi.

*****

Teacher: "Nick, what is the past participle of the verb to ring?"
Nick: "What do you think it is, Sir?"
Teacher: "I don't think, I KNOW!"
Nick: "I don't think I know either, Sir!"

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Chinese Chicken

What does a Chinese chicken say?
Wok wok wok wok wok

Careful What We Ask For

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'

'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke.'

The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, this is Friday so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.

'Same,' says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?

'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man..

The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'

The man sighs... pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a chick with long legs and who agrees with everything I say.'

Virginia Hunters

Two Virginia hunters, Bob and Fred, were going on a hunting trip. They get to where they wanted to be and started walking.

After about a half hour of walking, they sit down and take a rest.

Bob says to Fred" I'm not feeling to good".

Fred says" well, we can walk back to the truck.

Bob says" yeah lets do that".

So they start walking. About 15 minutes into the trip, Bob falls over. Fred panics and calls 911.

The operator answers and says" 911, what's your emergency?"

Fred says "My friend fell over with a heart attack, I think he's dead, what do i do"?

Operator says, "Well first make sure he's dead".

Fred says, "Ok".

The operator listens and hears a BANG!!!

Fred gets back on the phone and says, "Ok. He's dead... now what?"

Glass Eye

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for breakfast in the morning. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! 'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. . .






Wait for it. .










It's coming. .









The suspense is killing you, isn't it?














She says:
'You just happened to catch my eye.'

Too Much Coffee

You’re Drinking Too Much Coffee When:

You ski uphill.

You speed walk in your sleep.

You answer the door before people knock.

You sleep with your eyes open.

You just completed your third sweater today, and you don’t know how to knit.

You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

You have to watch videos in fast-forward.

The only time you’re standing still is in an earthquake.

You lick your coffee pot clean.

Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.

You can type sixty words a minute with your feet.

You don’t sweat, you percolate.

People get dizzy just watching you.

People can test their batteries in your ears.

Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.

Your Thermos is on wheels.

You can outlast the Energizer Bunny.

You don’t even wait for the water to boil anymore.

You don’t tan, you roast.

You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.

You think CPR stands for “Coffee Provides Resuscitation.”

Jewish Dog to Israel

(I'm Jewish - and American Jews like to go to Israel to visit and even some retire.)

Jewish woman wants to take her dog to Israel, so she goes to the travel agent to find out how. He says, "It's easy. You go to the airline, they give you a kennel, you put your dog in it, when you get off at Tel Aviv go to the luggage rack, and there's your dog.

So she does, gets off at Tel Aviv, goes to the luggage rack, no dog. She goes to the lost and found, says, "Where's my dog?" They look all over the airport for it, and find the dog in another terminal. Only the dog is dead.

"Oh, my Gosh, they say, we killed this woman's dog. What are we going to do?"

Then one says, "Wait a minute, it's a cockerspaniel. They're common dogs.

There's a pet shop across the street from the airport. We'll get the same size, shape, color, sex. She'll never know the difference."

They bring the woman the other dog and she says, "That's not my dog." Laughingly and making light of it they say, "What do you mean that's not your dog?"

And she says, "My dog's dead. I was taking it to Israel to bury it."

-Louis

Fruit Thieves

A fruit farmer hired two new workers for his fields, but before he sent them out for the day's work, he told them he had just one rule: don't steal any fruit. The two agreed to obey the rule.

After the day was over, the two workers came in to report to the farmer. He asked them if they had stolen any fruit, and immediately their conscience forced them to tell the truth.

"Yes, we did. We ate some when we got hungry," they said.

The farmer replied, "Ok, here is your punishment. I want each of you to go pick ten of your favorite fruit and come back to me."

The men couldn't believe their ears. This seemed more like a reward than a punishment!

After fifteen minutes, the first thief came back with ten cherries. The farmer promptly told him that as part of his punishment, he would have to stuff each cherry up his nose. The thief was upset about this, but he knew he had done wrong, so he slowly began to push the cherries up his nose one by one.

As he was working on the third cherry, he began to laugh hysterically. The farmer asked him, "What's so funny?"

The thief replied, "The other guy is out there picking watermelons!"

Ten Dolars is Ten Dollars

A man and a woman go to the carnival every year. Every time the man says,"Anna can we ride them airplanes that goes up for a couple of minutes then comes back down?"

The woman always replied by saying,"We don`t need to spend any extra money on them airplanes,its to expensive.Ten dollars is ten dollars.

Tom, the pilot, said," Larry, every year I hear you say you want to ride my airplanes, and every year Anna says it`s too expensive. I`ll make you a deal, if I do all of my flips and tricks with you in there with me, and you don`t say one word, I`ll give you the ride for free.

Anna and Larry discussed it and decided they would take the deal.They got up in the air and Tom did all of his tricks and flips.

Tom said,"Larry I just knew you`d say something on that first flip,but you didn`t!

Larry replied," i was going to say something when Anna fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars.

Prepare for Battle

Once a captain on his ship was disturbed by his assistant telling him, "Sir! Sir! There are 5 enemy ships on the horizon."

The captain tells the man," Get my red coat and prepare for battle!"

The assistant runs without question to get the captains red coat and prepares for battle. After their victory the assistant asks the captain why he wanted his red coat.

The captain tells the assistant "If I was shot you would not be able to tell I'm bleeding and you would keep fighting."

The assistant thought this was a great idea. The next day the assistant came to the captain, "Sir! Sir! There are twenty enemy ships on the horizon!"

The captain was stunned. He looked at the assistant and told him "Get me my brown pants!"

Monday, January 4, 2010

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The finest woman that ever walked the streets. – Mae West
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He was as great as a man can be without morality. – Alexis de Tocqueville
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Fortune never seems so blind as to those upon whom she has bestowed no favours – La Rochefoucauld
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As a well spent day brings happy sleep, so a life well used brings happy death – Leonardo Da Vinci
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Bob, the chicken farmer
A life-long city man, Bob decided to leave the rat-race, move to the country and become a chicken farmer, so he found a nice chicken farm and bought it. Turned out that his next door neighbour, a kind, generous man named Fred, was also a chicken farmer.
Fred came for a visit one [...]

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She ran the whole gamut of emotions from A to B. – Dorothy Parker (about Katherine Hepburn)
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Aren’t children the cutest things? The other day, my nephew asked me if the light in the refrigerator turns off when the door closes. I had to laugh, because man, if I knew the answer to that one, I’d be on a tropical island somewhere, not talking to a bratty little kid.
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There was a church that had problems with outsiders parking in its parking lots, so they put up a sign:
CHURCH CAR PARK – FOR MEMBERS ONLY Trespassers will be baptized!
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The Whole Lot
A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, “The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned into a pillar of salt.”
The son asked, “What happened to the flea?”
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To err is Truman. – A popular joke in 1946
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On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
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VERBOSITY: A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day… 30,000 to a man’s 15,000. The wife replied, “The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men… The husband then turned to his wife and asked, “What?”
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She got her good looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon. – Groucho Marx
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We Had…
Sadie and Esther, two elderly widows, are sitting in a Catskill hotel lobby, people-watching.
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The problem with curbing our appetites is that most of us do it at the drive in window of McDonalds.
The most fattening thing you can put in an ice cream sundae is a spoon.
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A modest little person, with much to be modest about. – Winston Churchill
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Teflon brain (nothing sticks.) – Lily Tomlin
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A golfer set up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through. Taking out his 3-wood, he took another mighty swing;the ball hit a tree, bounced [...]

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Never trust a man who combs his hair straight from his left armpit. – Alice Roosevelt Longworth (about Douglas MacArthur)
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He is a self-made man and worships his creator. – John Bright
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He looks as though he’s been weaned on a pickle. – Alice Roosevelt Longworth (about Calvin Coolidge)
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I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said “Stop! Don’t do it!” “Why shouldn’t I?” he said. “Well, there’s so much to live for!” “Like what?” “Well… are you religious?” He said yes. I said, “Me [...]

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A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, “What does love mean?” The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:
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No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. – Eleanor Roosevelt
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My reality check bounced.
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Skydiving school is one in which you MUST be a dropout to graduate

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The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
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To those she did not like . . . she was a stiletto made of sugar. – John Mason Brown (about Dorothy Parker)
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Pregnant
My husband and I had been trying to have a third child for awhile. Unfortunately, the day I was to take a home pregnancy test, he was called out of town on business. I had told our young daughters about the test, and they were excited. We decided if it was positive, we would buy [...]

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She’s good, being gone. – William Shakespeare
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Marketing 101
Several friends have asked for an explanation of Marketing. Perhaps the following examples will help clear it up:
You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, “I’m fantastic in bed.” That’s Direct Marketing.
You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of [...]

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Are You Eating Genetically Modified Food?
Yes if you can use the leftover chicken as a nightlight for your kid’s room.
When you check the label and it says that your buffalo chicken wings are made from REAL flying bison…oops! Genetically Modified!!
If an apple a day causes leukemia it’s been genetically modified.
Your family of seven, buys one [...]

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Battle of the sexes
VERBOSITY: A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day… 30,000 to a man’s 15,000. The wife replied, “The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men… The husband then turned to his wife and asked, “What?”
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No one can have a higher opinion of him than I have; and I think he’s a dirty little beast. – W. S. Gilbert
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Ah, spring and the month of April. The chirping of birds, the fresh smell of flowers, the sunny days … and the time that taxes are due. Yes, it’s that time of year, when you put sum 5A into slot 6B, subtract the lesser of 12Z or 11Q [...]

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Don’t be irreplaceable — if you can’t be replaced, you won’t be promoted.
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It’s like cuddling with a Butterball turkey. – Jeff Foxworthy
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Pregnant
My husband and I had been trying to have a third child for awhile. Unfortunately, the day I was to take a home pregnancy test, he was called out of town on business. I had told our young daughters about the test, and they were excited. We decided if it was positive, we would buy [...]

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The youthful sparkle in his eyes is caused by his contact lenses, which he keeps highly polished. – Sheila Graham (about Ronald Reagan)
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The average dog is a nicer person than the average person. -Andy Rooney
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I treasure every moment that I do not see her. – Oscar Levant
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What language do pigs speak?
Swine language.
What language do porcupines speak?
Spine language.
What language do billboards speak?
Sign language

The Exercise Machine

The Exercise Machine
My husband bought an exercise machine to help him lose weight.
He set it up in the basement but didn’t use it much, so he moved it to the bedroom.
It gathered dust there, too, so he put it in the living room.
Weeks later I asked how it was going.
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If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

Aging Jokes – Old Man

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“I’ve sure gotten old,” said Maury the Snitch. “I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees.
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Gift to Dad – Father’s Day Joke
A lumberjack had raised his only son and had managed to finance the young man’s college education by the only way he knew how — cutting down trees, by hand.
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Are there Animals in Heaven?

Little John was bothered with a question that he had to ask his Sunday School teacher.
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Clean Funny Jokes

Great collection of clean funny jokes. All about clean jokes, clean funny jokes, clean short jokes, good clean jokes, free clean jokes.